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Poetry and Writings

To KNOW


To KNOW

That old familiar pain

I have lived with

this a very long time

been on

all the meds

they can give

for it

and utterly hate

them

they one made

my brain not

function to the point

I could barely think

or make it so

I didn't want

to leave the bed

I refuse to go back

on that stuff

it did nothing

for this pain

when it hits so

why take

it

when all it did

was make my life

miserable

I want to paint

my life away

but I am not

given that option

nerve pain

that causes

massive migraines

at times

from spine up

and down

now I have

the degenerative

disk disease

up and down

my spine

which doesn't

help the situation

at all

but I love

my brain

I love life

and so I refuse

to be a guinea pig

for meds

that do nothing

for me

I took them for years

I can't stand

the side effects

compared to

the pain

its intense

but I would rather

live with this

pain right now

than those meds

in my system

I do take the

migraine med

it takes the intense

edge off

but it will wipe

my day out

when it hits

luckily so far

its only on off days

but being forced

to work

makes it worse

at times brings it on

after the fact

of activity

and I did the other day

I tried to fight

for assistance

social security disability

insurance

and ssi

and was denied

with lawyers

8 years I fought

denied all the way up

to the point

that for the issues

I have I can't

try for it again

so I was screwed

major

because I didn't work

for those 8 years

trying

for assistance

I can't go for

ssdi now

unless I work

for long time again

the catch 22

situation

part of the issue

is that

I am not

diagnosed correctly

and

doctors

don't help

I am stuck

in hell

most days I am fine

because

I refuse those

meds

but it does hit me

and the older

I get

the worse it will be

I know this

known it a long long time

I have had different

types of migraines

my entire life

but this issue

goes from spine

up to head

over right eye

it is nerve damage

from a bus that hit me

I got screwed there too

I live with this

now cause of age

arthritis has set in

back and neck

and fingers and now knees

beginning

its the type

in the major joints

neck

c7

tail bone

L5 S1

has a bulging disc

so walking is a issue

but not my choice

yet I have to walk

a ton so I do it but it

doesn't help

I do not complain about this

I just deal with it

I have to put my legs in lap

to put shoes on now

pull them up with

pants legs they can't

do it without pain

by themselves

every day

I wake up near dawn

in pain

go down stairs

sit in chair

for two hours more

to ease that pain

I meditate

to give me energy

to get through the day

without saying a word

about the chronic pain I live with

I am not alone

in this yet I refuse

the meds

cause they are horrible

and there

is nothing else

no other choices

I do what I can

with altering food

altering drink

oils therapy

heat and cold therapy

anything

massage sometimes

helps

then others makes

it worse its

hard to tell

when it triggers

good or bad

outcome

insurance

won't pay

for any alternative

type of medicines

so out of pocket

so most of the time

nada

you name it

over the years

I have tried it

I have learned

to deal with many of the

nerve type pains

and keep going

its just when it

hits the head and spine

as it does

it stops me in my tracks

It really makes little

sense but when as poor

as I am

you have little options

to make life easier

so all you can

do is deal with it

and somehow

find ways to sit more often

or rest and less

stress jobs help

but that limits ones ability

to make money

when you have limits

and they still call you

able bodied

and expect you

to be normal

I don't know how

long I can keep it up

its been years now

and it just somedays

takes everything out of

you

and battling for

what I deserve

just as tiring

I don't mean

to complain but

I have dealt with this

so long

that it

is taking its toll

at times

but I am a strong person

thank goodness

for that

and my stubborn will

to keep going

as long as I can

pushes me forward

yet doing this

alone

is extremely hard

I do not have

the cleanest home

I do not get

to do things I like to

I have come

along way

in last few years

thanks to a certain

person giving me

the energy to fight again

Its led me to paint and draw again

its led me to try to do work

of something

its boosted my mood

and kept me positive

through all of this

I haven't been able

to thank this person

in person

but they know

who they are

a precious gift

I can never repay

sometimes the tears

fall

but I get back up

and wipe them off

so don't you ever

stop making me smile

it gets me

through the day

I swear it does

for putting up with me

I give you

the best of my heart

and soul

if I could

give you anything

I would

in heart beat

I don't think

that person even truly

knows

how inspiring they

are to me

now

we all have dreams

and goals

and it may take me

a long

time to get them accomplished

but what I do

now is incredible

compared to

where I was a few years

ago

I have lost more

through the years

and I won't go into it

now

but one heart

gives me strength

to keep going

don't stop it

please

know

I care

and understand

and

love

more than

they will ever

ever know

It gives me reason

It gives me

purpose

It gives me

hope

that I can

still do anything

if I will it hard enough

I can say

I have LIVED

for all I have done

and all I want to do

cause I am not

done yet