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Poetry and Writings

SECRET FIRE


SECRET FIRE

S.JENSEN ©2018

WRITING … KNOW THAT

I HAVEN’T LOOKED FOR

ANYONE ELSE.

I WAS IN LOVE

EVEN IF TO A SO CALLED

FAKE NESS OF THIS

AS YOU CALL IT

IT WASN’T FAKE

TO ME

ON THIS END OF THINGS

OH TO THE BLOODY MESS

AND YEARS BEFORE

IT THINGS DON’T CHANGE

MUCH DO THEY

SOME DAYS I THINK EMOTIONS

CAN BE SO OVER RATED

AND SILLY

YET OTHERS IT CAN

BE SO INTENSE

IT BURNS A MARK ALWAYS THERE

WHAT I LACK IN BEAUTY

ON THE OUTSIDE

I MAKE UP FOR IT WITH

MY CHARACTER

WARM, GIVING, FRIENDLY, KIND,

HONEST, LOYAL TO A FAULT, AND

CARING…

ARE AMONG THE MANY

FACETS OF MY PERSONALITY

SWEET YOU MIGHT SAY

IS LIKE MY MIDDLE NAME

BUT I KNOW I DIDN’T

MAKE IT SEEM THAT WAY

BUT IT STILL IS THE REAL ME

I DIDN’T REALLY KNOW

I THOUGHT OH HACKERS

HACKERS WANT ONE THING

OK I GIVE THEM THE SHOW

THEY WANT

CUS HELL IF I COULD FIGHT THEM

ANY OTHER WAY

I WAS POOR THEN

AND I AM POORER NOW

I HAVE THIS HIGH MORAL THING

BUT I CAN DO WHAT

I HAVE TO DO

WHEN IT CALLS FOR IT

LIKE A CHALLENGED GAME

I AM SORRY

ON THAT

BUT THEN WELL THINGS

CHANGED I SAW THE CHANGE

IN THE PERSON I WAS FALLING

FOR DAY IN AND DAY OUT

AND I LIKED IT

I WAS THRILLED TO DEATH

BY IT AND SAW IT WAS

HER AND ME

AND THAT IS HOW I THOUGHT

IT WAS

I THOUGHT HE WAS THERE

AND I WAS WEIRDLY OK BY IT

BUT STILL I CRAVED HER

I DON’T KNOW WHY

I THINK MELISSAS DAMN SPELL

OF LUST HAD A LOT TO DO WITH IT

THAT BITCH SHOULD NEVER

HAVE DONE THAT

BUT IT LED ME TO DO

THINGS I WOULD NOT EVER

HAVE DONE I SWEAR THAT MUCH

I AM VERY DIPLOMATIC AND

AND CAN SAY ANYTHING

EVEN PAST STUFF

TO MAKE IT SOUND

WHAT I THOUGHT WAS

TO BE

BUT I REALLY DID FALL

AND I FELL FAST

AND WAS CAUGHT UP IN IT

I SWEAR WHEN

I DID WHAT I DID

IT WAS FOR LOVE

STRANGE AS IT IS AND AS IT SOUNDS

AND FOOLISH OH SO DAMN

FOOLISH

I HAVE NEVER BEEN

IN A MARRIAGE PER SAY

THOUGH RINGS HAVE

BEEN ON MY FINGERS

TO REPRESENT THE BOND

NOT EVER IN THE EYES OF GOD

DID I GET THE CHANCE

SO YES I GUESS THAT

DOES MAKE ME A MAIDEN

OF SORTS

NOT A COMIC BOOK LOL

BUT REAL LIFE ITS JUST

NOT SO SIMPLE FOR ME

EVEN THOUGH I WANT IT

I WEAR A RING AND HAVE

SINCE I COMMITTED TO

THE ONE I THOUGHT

IT WAS OR IS… OR COULD HAVE BEEN

BUT NOW I DON’T KNOW

WHAT TO DO

I WON’T TAKE THE RING OFF

I NEVER WILL IT WILL REMAIN

THERE…

AS A REMINDER TO ME

IF NOTHING ELSE

TO NEVER BE SO FOOLISH AGAIN

BUT HERE I AM

WRITING SO WELL…

GUESS SOMETHING IN ME

IS JUST LIKE I HAVE NOTHING ELSE

OK…

THAT IS NOT TO SAY

I DON’T FEEL LOVE

OR WANT LOVE

OR NEED LOVE

CAUSE I DO

BUT ITS A STRANGE

IN BETWEEN FEELING

OF WHAT ARE WE

THAT IS HOW I LOOK AT IT

RIGHT NOW

CAUSE I JUST DON’T KNOW

PROMISES ARE OFTEN

BROKEN AND I HAVE TRIED

TO KEEP THEM

BUT ITS NOT EASY

WHEN LIFE FINDS WAYS

TO GET IN THE BLOODY DAMN WAY

NOT ALWAYS A GOOD WAY

EITHER

I CHERISH WHAT I HAVE

AND HAD

EVEN IF IT SEEMS SO DOOMED

SOMETIMES

ITS MOSTLY FROM

MY PERSPECTIVES

BUT ITS NOT HOW I WANT IT

I AM SO NOT A ONESIDED

BITCH I REALLY AM NOT

THIS THING MAKES IT SO HARD

ALL LOVES SEEM

SO SHORT LIVED

AND TRAGIC

FOR MANY YEARS I JUST

FEEL SO BLOODY CURSED

AS A KID I USED TO

PULL LOVE BUGS APART

NOT KNOWING IT KILLED THEM

NOT KNOWING THEY MATE FOR LIFE

AND FELT THAT MAYBE

FOR YEARS IT CURSED ME

TO NEVER BE ONE

TO BE LUCKY TO BE MARRIED

TO ANYONE

GIRL OR GUY

COMING FROM THE SOUTH

THEY EXPECTED IT TO BE A GUY

AND I CAN REMEMBER

CHANGING THAT IDEAL

AND HOW THEY REALLY DIDNT

LIKE ME MUCH FOR IT

SO I KEPT MOVING

TIL I COULD BE HAPPY

WELL I THOUGHT AT THE TIME

ANYHOW

I WOULD BE

BUT TURNED OUT

THE COMPLETE MORE OF

A HORROR THING

THAN OF LOVE ETERNAL

AFTER MY FIRST LOVE

FELL APART I WENT ON

A BINGE OF JUST USING PEOPLE

TO GET WHAT I WANTED

IT WAS WRONG

AND I KNEW IT WAS WRONG

BUT I WANTED WHAT I WANTED

AND I WENT AFTER IT

FOR ABOUT FIVE YEARS

AND THROWING AWAY

ANYTHING THAT WOULD

BE GOOD FOR ME OR COULD

HAVE LASTED

CUS I DIDN’T WANT TO BE

HURT LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN

KIDS DO STUPID THINGS

AND MAN I WAS YOUNG AND STUPID

AND THE COST I PAID

WAS HIGH

LOST EVERYTHING

I WENT FROM ONE TO ONE AFTER

THAT LOOKING AND SEARCHING

FOR THAT LASTING LOVE

THAT ON OF TOGETHERNESS

IN ALL THE WRONG

PLACES

HELL I DID THAT A LONG TIME

AND CAUSED SO MANY

TROUBLES

AND I DIDN’T REALLY CARE

I COULD LOVE AND DID LOVE

BUT IN THE END I JUST

LET MY AQUARIAN SELF

SEPARATE MY EMOTIONS

FROM EVERYTHING

AND LET CARING GO OUT

THE WINDOW

WHEN I REBELLED WELL

I REBELLED

I CAN LOVE DEEPLY

INTENSELY

AND HONESTLY

AND MASSIVELY PASSIONATE

AND ITS NOT LIKE

IT USED TO BE

I LOVE THE WINE AND DINE

I LOVE THE THRILL OF THE CHASE

I SO LOVE IT

THE DATING JOYS

OF BEING WAITED ON HAND

AND FOOT AS YOUNG ADULT

GOD I LOVED IT

AND MY LOOKS BACK THEN

ALLOWED SO MANY

TO AGREE AND GIVE

WITH OUT QUESTIONING

AND I WAS SO COLD

WHEN IT WAS OVER

I WOULD BE MEAN

TO SOME IF THEY ERKED ME

SO BAD

GOD I CAN BE HEARTLESS

ON THE OUTSIDE

AT LEAST

BUT ON THE INSIDE

IT TORE ME UP

I WOULD WRITE IT ALL

DOWN AND EMOTIONS

AND FEELINGS SPREAD

TO THE PAGES

LIKE WILDFIRE

OVER AND OVER

REFLECTING BACK

SOMETHINGS AND SOME PEOPLE

I TRULY DO REGRET

CAUSE SOME I REALLY LOVED

AND LOST

AND SO THAT IS WHY

I WENT NUTS

WHEN I REALIZED

I AM SORRY

THE EMOTIONS JUST

FLOWED OUT

AND OUT

AND GOD I NEVER MEANT

TO HURT

I WANTED SO BAD

TO BE THERE

AND BE WITH

SO BAD I SWEAR

BUT HAVE NO MEANS

TO DO SO

SUCKS

SOME DAYS I FEEL LIKE

I WANT TO DIE

AND OTHERS NO I JUST CRY

AND OTHERS I AM FINE

AND FEEL ITS ALL PAST

LET IT GO

MAYBE FOREVER

BUT I WANT TO BE

TO THAT ONE SPECIAL SOMEONE

LONG TERM

THAT LASTING FOREVER LOVE

FRIENDSHIP

BLEND

BUT WILL I EVER TRULY

HAVE IT I DOUBT IT

REALITY FOR ME

IS HARD TO SWALLOW

THE FACT

THAT I AM A WIDOW

OF SORTS

I WORRY ON IT

WILL I EVER TRULY

KNOW LOVE AGAIN

THE RIGHT WAY

I CAN WRITE WHAT I WANT

HOW I WANT IT

AND HOW I DESIRE IT

BUT SOME DAYS

I FEEL ITS ALL I HAVE

IS THE PAST

AND THAT I WILL BE

A BLOODY MAIDEN FOREVER

THAT STAR CROSSED THING

SO MANY TIMES

ITS NOT FUNNY

SO I LET IT ALL GO

AND SAID I WOULD NEVER

FALL IN LOVE AGAIN

OH AM I A FOOL

LOL

CUS I HAVE

AND THIS ONE

WELL ITS GOT ME

UNDONE

TRULY UNDONE

I HAVE COME TO BELIEVE

THAT SOME THINGS ARE JUST

FACTS

MAYBE ITS THAT SHADOWY

FIGURE IN THE HOUSE

POINTING ITS FINGER AT ME

SAYING YOU HAVE BEATEN

ME NOW CONGRATS

BUT I CURSE YOU

NEVER TO HAVE LOVE

I SAID YOU CAN NEVER

HAVE MY SOUL

YOU MAY HAVE MY BODY

ONE DAY BUT YOU

WILL NEVER HAVE ME

I NEVER REALLY

PAID ATTENTION

TIL ALL MY LOVERS

FELL APART

OVER AND OVER

AND FAMILY MEMBERS DIED

AND HATED ME

OR LEFT

AND JUST DON’T SEEM

TO LOVE ME THE WAY THEY SHOULD

AND FRIENDSHIP IS ALWAYS

A DISTANT THING

TO THE ONES

I LOVE THE MOST

THOSE I CAN TAKE OR LEAVE

WILL BE AROUND

BUT NOT THE DEEP

REALLY INTENSELY

GOOD FOR ME KIND

I REMEMBER THAT DAY

THE THREE ANGELS

CAME TO ME

AND HOW THEY SAID

I WAS CHOSEN

TO FIGHT WHAT NO

ONE COULD SEE

WHAT NO ONE BELIEVES

IN ANYMORE

AN I WAS TO TAKE

UP THE FIREY SWORD

OF MICHAEL

THAT ONE DAY I WOULD

NEED ALL I COULD MUSTER

TO FIGHT

A BATTLE

THAT WAS COMING

I DIDN'T BELIEVE THAT EITHER

THEY SAID THAT I WOULD HAVE LOVE

BUT I COULDN'T KEEP IT

AND THAT

IS ALL THEY COULD DO

AND THEY WOULD MAKE SURE

THAT LUCK OF WHAT

WAS NEEDED

WOULD FALL INTO PLACE

WHEN I NEEDED IT

I NEVER PAID ATTENTION REALLY

BUT SOON AFTER

MY WHOLE WORLD

WAS TURNED UPSIDE DOWN

AND I HAD TO LEAVE

THE ONLY HOME

I LOVED

OR HAD

I WALKED AWAY

THAT DAY KNOWING

THAT FIEND WOULD

KEEP POPPING UP

IN MY LIFE

TO TAKE AWAY

AND I HATED IT

I STILL HATE IT

AND I HAVE DONE ALL

I CAN TO PROTECT

MYSELF

FROM IT YEAH

TRUTHS HERE

I AM NOT LYING

BUT I STILL FEEL MY HEART WANTS

TO BE FREE TO LOVE

LIKE EVERYONE ELSE

TO LIFT THIS BLOODY

CURSE FROM ME

I SO STILL MADLY

FALL IN LOVE

AN MADLY CRAVE

AND YET I FEEL

SO DENIED.

I AM ALWAYS LOOKING

FOR WAYS TO CHANGE

THIS TO HAVE

BELOVED ONES

NEAR ME

AND FRIENDSHIPS

CLOSE TO ME

THAT ARE REAL AND GOOD FOR ME

WHEN I CAN

FOR THOSE

I KNOW ARE WHAT

LAST

SO I ALWAYS TURN

LOVERS INTO FRIENDSHIPS

SO I CAN HAVE THEM LAST

IN MY LIFE

ITS THE ONLY WAY

I CAN LOVE AND HAVE LOVE

WITHOUT

THE CURSE KICKING IN

AND DESTROYING IT

OH LOVE I DON'T PUT ON AIRS

...

OH GO AWAY

NO DON'T GO AWAY

I DON'T WISH TO BE ALONE

ANY MORE

I AM SO BLOODY TIRED OF IT

I AM TELLING FREAKING

TRUTHS

LISTEN TO ME

AND IT GETS BETTER

THIS IS LEADING UP TO IT

BUT I HAVE TO TELL

TRUTHS

ITS A REQUIREMENT OF MINE

YOU WONT GET

RID OF ME THAT EASILY

AS SHE GRINS

AS I GRIN

THE SUDDEN CHALLENGES

OF LIFE

AND LOVE

AND LIGHT WAYS

TO FIGHT BY ANY MEANS

NECESSARY

TO GET THE WAY

IT HAS TO BE DONE

DONE

I AM NOT A SENSELESS FOOL

IF I AM A FOOL

AT ALL

DON'T THINK I REALLY AM

I AM HERE

YOU ARE HERE

AND BECAUSE OF YOU

I AM STILL ALIVE

BECAUSE OF THE LOVE

I HAVE HAD

SO STRONGLY

ITS WHAT KEPT ME HERE

WHEN THEY ALL CAME

TO ATTACK ME

I SURVIVED

BECAUSE OF LOVE

AND I HOLD TO THAT

LIKE GLUE

NONE OF WHAT I SAY

IS FALSE

I NO LONGER

SUFFER UNDER

THAT CURSE

BUT I AM ALONE

AND

FRIENDSHIP LOVE

NEVER FAILS

IT SO BLOSSOMS

AND SOARS

MY HEART MORE

LIKE SEX CAN DRIVE ONE

TO THE DEPTHS

OF PASSIONATE LOVE

HARD AND RAW

OR GENTLE AND SOFT

OF LOVERS

CONNECTION

AND SOCIAL TIES

THEY ARE MY ONLY

GRACE

TO BE HAPPY

IN LIFE

THIS IS THE FACTS...

AND THIS IS NOW

THE BASE OF WHAT

I AM AND WHAT I DO

TO WHY I FEEL SO STRONGLY

GOD SAID HE COULDN'T HELP ME

OUT OF IT

I HAD TO GO THROUGH IT

AND BOY DID I

YOU CAN'T TELL ME

THAT DOESN'T CHANGE SOMEONE

CUS IT SO DOES

NONE OK NONE

ITS NOT FOR ME TO TELL

YOU TO BELIEVE ME

OR NOT

ITS IS TRUTH

AND THAT IS ALL THERE IS

I STILL LOVE

DEEP

AND TRUE

AND HAVE LOVE

JUST NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE

I MAKE DO

I HAVE TO

I HAVE NO CHOICE IN THAT

BUT HERE I LIVE AS ME


...


I DECIDE TO GO WALKING

DOWN TOWN TO SEE FRIENDS

AND CHECK ON ART

I HAVE IN THE FRAMESHOP

WALKING DOWN PASSING

A LADY NOT LOOKING AT HER

JUST SEEING SHE HAS

ICED COFFEE FROM THE SHOP

NEXT TO THE FRAMESHOP

I GO YUM I GET SOME

OF THAT SOON

AND WALK IN THE FRAMESHOP

ITS A HOT LATE SUMMERS DAY

MOST ARE BUSY CHATTING

WITH OTHERS

OR WORKING ON LAPTOPS

AS I PASS THEM BY

I PAY FOR THE ART

AND WALK BACK OUT THE SHOP

GOING STRAIGHT

TO THE COFFEE SHOP

I SEE THE LADY IS GONE

AND SIGH. I FIGURE SHE

WENT ON HER WAY

HER BACK WAS TO ME ANYHOW

I GO INSIDE AND ORDER

THE ICED COFFEE

AND I WALK TO THE COUNTER

I AM LOOKING AT

THE NEWSPAPER

WAITING FOR THE COFFEE

TO BE MADE

A LINE FORMS

BEHIND ME I FEEL SOMEONE ELSE

BUT THEY GET

CLOSER INTO MY SPACE

THAN NORMAL

I LOOK UP AND SAY HI AS

THEY SAY SO YOU ARE

GETTING A COFFEE

ITS READY

I GO THANKS

AS I TURN TO GET IT

I SAY WITH A BIG GRIN

WHEN I SEE WHO IT IS

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE

SHE SAYS WELL

TO SURPRISE YOU

I SAID WELL YOU DONE THAT

ONE FOR SURE

HELLO

SHE SAYS GO TO THE

BACK CORNER

I WANT TO TALK

I AM LIKE SURE

JUST A SECOND

AND I GET MY COFFEE

I SEE IN HER HAND

THE ICED COFFEE

AND AS WE WALK TO THE

BACK I REALIZED OH

THAT WAS THE LADY

I PASSED BY

IT WAS HER

OH I AM SO OBLIVIOUS

WHEN I HAVE A GOAL

I AM SORRY

I DIDNT REALIZE IT WAS YOU

SHE SMILES

AND SAYS ITS OK

I GET THAT WAY TOO

I AM LIKE WOW

SHE IS HERE

SMILING AT ME

AND WE SIT

SHE BEGINS TO CHAT

I BEGIN TO LISTEN

MY MIND WONDERS AS IT DOES

INTO A VOYAGE AND FOREIGN COASTLINES

AND VIEW OF US HOLDING

HANDS WATCHING

THE SUNSET

OVER THE HORIZON.

SHE SAYS DO YOU EVEN KNOW

I SAID KNOW WHAT

SHE SAYS ARE YOU EVEN

LISTENING TO ME

I SAID YES

AND RATTLED OFF THE LAST

THING SHE SAID AND SAY YES SEE

I AM LISTENING....


NEVER FINISHED....


THE END OF A IMAGINARY STORY

THAT NOW HAS NO ENDING

SORT OF THE WAY I FEEL

I LEAVE IT HERE

NOT BAD AS IT IS

SOMETIMES THINGS JUST

CLIFF HANG INTO OBLIVION


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